The Big Fight

Mom and Dad had a big fight tonight. Just like the old time. I mean I am thinking it for twenty years and still can’t figure out why they so mad about each other, yet still together.

If I were them, I may probably get divorced. But this is not what I want to say anyway. If I remember hardly, I still have that memory about that fight that happened in my childhood. Maybe I was four or five years old. Of course, I don’t remember the reason they fight. But that boy, sitting on the floor, hugging his legs, and crying without anyone caring, because two adults were busy on fighting, that memory was vivid. And right, that little boy is me.

There were other fights in later life. But none of them was like that. That one was deeply imprinted in my mind, re-acting thousands of times, completely out of my control. Maybe the scar in my heart was never getting healed. And maybe that is the reason I am so so so scared of yelling and fighting. If someone is yelling me or having any sign of quarrel, the first reaction came to me was 「 What did I wrong?」and 「 How should I apologize?」. Even it’s not my fault. Even it’s not about me, which lead that I like to say 「 I will apologize to you for somebody.」 Sometimes I also thinking about that, is this the reason that I am so shy and scary. But there is no answer.

I really admire my friend ZH, he has the brave and the energy to do that. Maybe I will never be a winner in a quarrel, in any quarrel. Because I barely can hear about it. I get it. Maybe it’s PTSD. But so What?

If I were on 23 floors, I definitely will jump out of the window. Really I feel that would be a simple way. I mean, on the universe level, a man’s life, serval decades, a hundred years, how long can that be? That just is a flash and even a flash of a flash. Just look that only the formation of the earth took forty billion years. So what’s the point of my life? If I look at this world in that way, all of the things are meaningless to me. What loves, hates, likes, illnesses, health, what countries, social statuses, political opinions… that’s all fucking bullshit. Man dies, they died, they vanish, they are worm’s foods.

The line from <Reply 1988> said: Everyone is a parent for the first time. So after I watched that, I kind of make this as an excuse, and keep telling me: it is OK, it is the first time my parents being parents, and maybe it’s not good enough …

What about me? I feel nothing, at least my sister cry. But for me, really, I can’t feel anything. Just like I said early, in my deep heart, this scene has re-acting like thousands of times. I am getting used to it.

I want to be optimistic, talkative too. But I just feel I can’t. That cloud still there right now.

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